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Why it Would Suck to Live in Smallville

13 May

Tonight marks the series finale of the longest running sci-fi program in television history, Smallville.  It’s been over ten seasons and 200 episodes but tonight fans finally get to see Clark don the red cape and seize his destiny.  Though the show is not without its flaws, it is on the CW, witnessing the fully imagined origin of The Man of Steel has been a fun and adventurous ride.  While the show has relocated to the city of Metropolis, the first 4+ seasons primarily took place Clark Kent’s home town of Smallville, Kansas.  One of the charms of Smallville is getting lost in the universe created on-screen and imagining existing within it.  Every boy grows up dreaming he were his favorite superhero, and Superman is mine, and I still can’t help but wonder what it would be like to live in Smallville.  However, recently I rationalized that hope and decided that it would actually totally suck.

#5: You’re not Superman

If anyone has ever told you how they wished they lived in the Smallville universe, what they probably really mean is “it would be cool to be Superman”.  However, in a town that was populated with 45,000 residents, odds of you winning the Superman lottery are pretty slim.  Living in a town whose primary exports are corn and meteor rock would pretty and not having some super powers like x-ray vision would pretty much suck…

Who needs laser vision, super speed, cooling breath, or super strength?

…But more on that later.

#4: You don’t have super powers

Okay, so you’re not Superman, but plenty of people in Smallville were “infected” by the meteor rock, resulting in them gaining a unique super power.  Especially in the earlier seasons of the show, many episodes featured a new character, often an antagonist, who was granted ability by their exposure to kryptonite.   Some of the infected citizens of Smallville include:

  • Coach Arnold (started fire with his mind)
  • Desiree Atkins (super-pheromones)
  • Jake Pollen (breath underwater)
  • Alicia Baker (teleportation)
  • Ian Randall (multiplicity)

See, so you don’t have to be some alien from Krypton to have super powers in Smallville.  Unfortunately all of these “Super Freaks”, as they were affectionately known, had one thing in common; they were antagonists.  Aside from all of his abilities and his alien heritage, there was one more very important contribution to Clark becoming the Man of Steel – his adoptive parents.  They’ve actually covered this point extensively within many episodes, but in case you don’t watch the show (or have forgotten), let me remind you that it would take a lot of goodness and an incredibly strong will not to abuse your powers.  Most metahumans in the Smallville universe end up using their powers for selfish gain and end up either irreversibly damaging themselves or others to the point that Clark has to interfere and send them to the looney bin.  Hell, even Clark himself is at a constant struggle within not to abuse the variety of abilities that come along with his birthright. 

Pretty sure this isn't what Jor-El had in mind.

#3 You don’t know Clark Kent

Okay, so you’re not Clark Kent and being a “meteor freak” would only be cool until you got caught, but not everyone on Smallville has powers.  Plenty of primary characters on the show were normal human beings with no special ability what so ever:  Jonathan and Martha Kent, Lana Lang, Lois Lane, Chloe Sullivan, and Pete Ross.

Unless getting kidnapped and whining are super powers

You know who else in Smallville, Kansas is normal?  The 44,800 other people who aren’t infected and aren’t friends with (or related to) Clark.  Therefore, if you didn’t win the Superman lottery your odds of winning the Supermans’ BFF lottery are only slighty better.  Not that being Superman’s best friend is a job we’d want anyway.  All of the aforementioned characters are constantly getting themselves into some sort of trouble that requires Clark’s extraterrestrial abilities to resolve.  In season 1 alone, Lana Lang is kidnapped, has her identity stolen (literally), infected by meteor rock (multiple times), hit by an exploding gas pipeline, and gets trapped in a tornado.  Not to mention the love triangle between her, Clark, and Whitney taking their toll on her emotionally, because Clark continuously stands her up to save people (usually his other friends).

Seriously, what a jerk

Maybe Lana would have a little more patience if she knew why Clark was taking off all the time, but she didn’t.  None of Clark’s friends knew of his super abilities, because he and his parents knew the responsibility of bearing that secret.  They were right too.  Eventually each of Clark’s closest friends learned of his secret and none of them could handle it.  Pete tried to get Clark to help him with his problems a few times before having an emotional breakdown and moving away.  Lana tried dating Clark for a while before having multiple emotional breakdowns every episode and ultimately moving away.  Chloe joined forces to help Clark, and a wealthier yet less impressive hero in Oliver Queen before having an emotional breakdown and moving away.  Lois I won’t mention for S10 spoilers (but it has something to do with an emotional breakdown…).  Martha Kent had a midlife crisis (close to an emotional breakdown), became a U.S. Senator, married a washed up journalist, and moved away.  The only close friend or family member of Clark’s who didn’t have an emotional breakdown was his father, he just died instead.

#2 Your Job Sucks

Let’s recap.  You’re not Earth’s greatest protector, you don’t know him, and you don’t have any super human abilities (and if you do you’re in jail or a mental hospital).  Still, living in Smallville and a universe with superheroes and super villains is pretty cool; sure would make the news a lot more interesting.  It’s a shame you live in Smallville, a farming town.  Take a look at the ‘Welcome’ sign pre-meteor shower…

Yawn

I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be a farmer.  Early mornings, hard manual labor, and pedaling crops for money are all among the things I try to avoid when hitting the job market.  The show clearly depicted the hardships the Kent family went through to keep their farm profitable and capable of feeding their family, and they had a super powered son to do their chores. 

Working on a farm isn’t the only occupation available in Smallville, you could work for Luthercorp; because working the most evil father son duo on the planet is a much better alternative.  Maybe you could even start your own business, like the Talon.  You know – the old movie theater that Lana Lang’s Aunt owned, which she restored to a coffee shop and was eventually bought out by Luthercorp.

#1 Natural Disaster/Death

What if you hate your job now, or you’d actually enjoy farm labor or working for the most evil man on the planet?  That brings us back to living in a universe of superheroes, that’s still pretty cool.  Too bad you live in Smallville, Kansas where it’s a toss up between which is a more frequent meteorological event – tornados or meteor showers.  Not the meteor showers you stay up late to be disappointed by as a child by either…

More of a ‘both your parents got crushed by an enormous space rock’ kind of disappointed.

 

It’s a wonder how the population of this town grew from 25,000 to 45,000 since the first meteor shower with all of its citizens dying by some super powered “meteor freak” or some crazy alien-induced storm.  Now that I think about it, this does answer one lingering question I’ve had for a while…

Why build a second high school if it’s just going to get ripped to shreds

Join K.N.O.T.S. (Keep Nic Off The Screen)!

24 Feb

by Chris Petersen

One of the first series I did on this blog listed the five actors that I can’t believe keep getting work, and at #1 was the bane of the cinema, Nicolas Cage, who has taken his recent efforts to ward off bankruptcy out on the average moviegoer. Instead of being subjected to one bad Nic Cage movie, we are subjected to three or four a year. Heck, it is February and we are already at 2!

All this is not to say that every once in a while, in blind squirrel-like fashion, he stumbles upon a decent film (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans and Kick-Ass were good for him, and Drive Angry is actually at 62% on RottenTomatoes), but more than likely he is going to produce an absolute dud and, on his name alone, steal the money of people who have lived under a rock for the last 15 years.

And no, we're not talking about this rock.

I am saying that I have had enough. I can’t take it and I need your help to let Hollywood know that we will no longer be fooled by his name and his high school vagrant hair. I am starting the official society of K.N.O.T.S. (Keep Nic Off The Screen). A group dedicated to anti-Cage sentiment and the eventual removal of him from the big screen, particularly from action films.

I mean, who was the guy that looked at him and said, “This guy is a badass.”

Probably the same guy who thought this was a good idea.

He does alright when he plays an everyman, such as Adaptation or The Family Man, but he is just a disaster in action films, which is unfortunately what he does the most. I think the bad heavily outweighs the good with him, and rather than risk having our cinemas spoiled by his action film atrocities, I would just like to remove him from movies entirely.

Don’t think I am such a bad guy for leaving Nic Cage in the gutter when he is bankrupt.

He presumably already lives in a gutter.

I think he could be successful in many other fields. He seemed pretty convincing as a salesman in The Family Man. I could also see him in construction, or as a manager at McDonald’s.

But he is not quite Chick-Fil-A caliber.

If you want to be part of this movement, like this post at the top of the screen and place your comments in the area provided below.

An Open Letter to Antoine Fuqua

15 Feb

Dear Mr. Fuqua,

I apologize for publishing this letter in a public forum, but despite numerous attempts over the weekend none of my voicemails have been returned.  First of all, if you are reading this allow me to say thank you for visiting our page.  Chris and I are always excited to find those associated with the industry that fuels our work pay attention to the voice of the consumer, even if it is mostly hate mail from Nicolas Cage.

Dear Chris, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! Love, Nicolas.

I can’t express to you how excited I was to hear that you will soon be directing a biopic on Tupac Shakur.  As I have previously expressed on this site, Tupac is my favorite musical artist, one I have followed since my childhood.  I cannot think of any other director I would prefer to bring his life story to the big screen for this generation of movie goers.  As I understand it, Mr. Fuqua, the role of Tupac Shakur has yet to be cast and with shooting to begin in April/May I’m sure you are actively pursuing a suitable actor for that role.  I would like to officially enter myself for consideration.

To ensure that my candidacy for the role is taken seriously, allow me to tell you a little bit about myself.  I am a 25 year old white male who currently lives in Virginia Beach, Va.  I am 5’10” tall and weigh approximately 165 lbs.  While I have no cinematic film experience, I once played Martin Vanderhof in a high school adaptation of “You Can’t Take it With You”.  I apologize for not including a headshot with this letter but you know how it is for bloggers these days, if the world knew what I looked like it’d only be a matter of time before I was assaulted by Will.I.Am.

I can't believe Will.I.Am did that to his hair...

Now I know what you’re thinking after reading that description, 25 is the perfect age for the role.  I am aware that Tupac was tragically gunned down at the age of 25, and as your film will primarily focus on the last days of his life, I fit the age demographic perfectly.  However, that is not the only attribute that should be acknowledged when considering me for this role.  I have compiled a short list of things that you may want to take into account.

Height and Weight

As I said previously, I am currently 5’10” tall and approximately 165 lbs.  At the time of Tupac’s arrest for sexual assault he was listed as 5’11” but in actually he was closer to 5’9” -5’10” tall.  Also, chronicled in the popular Tupac song “Str8 Ballin” is the lyric:

“And they say how do you survive weighin’ 165”

This of course is referring to the weight of the late rapper, which coincidentally is identical to my own.

 

Life Experiences

While I cannot argue that my life experiences were identical to the rappers, as an actor I am able to use my own life experiences to identify with some of the hardships he went through.  For example, Tupac’s mother was a high ranking Black Panther who was arrested and imprisoned while she was pregnant with him.  She stood trial without representation and pleaded her own case.  She was subsequently found not guilty and released.  My mother experienced a similar incident, one that shaped both my perception of her and my own life in the process.  She was kicked out of the PTA when I was in second grade for laughing at a student during a spelling bee.  She was found to be in violation of no rules or regulations after petitioning the board, as apparently it is not inappropriate to laugh at a child during a PTA event if you gave birth to said individual.

That's not fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player!

In 1994, Tupac was shot five times coming out of an elevator at Time Square’s Quad Studios in New York City.  Recently, I decided to independently re-enact the incident with my fifteen year old brother (I take my method acting very seriously).  As I was taking the trash out during a visit to his house, my brother unexpectedly shot me five times with his unregistered Crosman C11 BB Gun.  There has been a long standing beef between us ever since, chronicled through various diss records.

Karl Kani jeans sold seperately

 

Influences and Legal Controversy

While I have never been incarcerated, had any wrongful death lawsuits brought against me, or been the center of congressional hearings; I, like Tupac, have been the center of some legal controversy.  In 2002 I took a high school literature class entitled “Great Works”.  During the class, we were required to read and write an analysis on Niccolò Machiavelli‘s “The Prince”.  Up until this point in the class, all of my previous papers had been returned with perfect marks.  Coming under fire from my classmates that my teacher showed me favoritism because she was a fan of my slam poetry program on the morning announcements, I decided to submit this paper under the alias Lesane Parish Crooks.  Although the paper received an “A”, I was given a failing grade because my teacher had no proof that I had written the paper.  When given the opportunity to resubmit the paper, I submitted the same paper under my own name assuming she’d then realize I was the original author.  Instead I was found guilty of plagiarizing Lesane Parish Crooks.  I was sentenced to two weeks detention for the infraction where I wrote a “coming of age” screenplay.

Physical Appearance

Even though I’m the same height and weight as the late rapper, I understand that my physical appearance may not be identical.  It has taken years of counseling but I do realize that I am white, something that may present a challenge when playing this role.  However, as any film enthusiast knows, Kirk Lazarus received his unprecedented sixth Academy Award for playing Sergeant Lincoln Osiris in Tropic Blunder: The True Story Behind The Making Of The Most Expensive Fake True War Movie Ever.  I have attempted to contact Kirk about the skin pigmentation procedure he underwent for that film but have yet to hear back from his people.  I’m sure that casting me in the role as Tupac would garner the same attention from the Academy that Kirk received. 

I don't read the script, the script reads me

 

Mr. Fuqua, I hope that after reading this letter you can agree that there is no better individual for the role of Tupac Shakur in your upcoming film than myself.  If my argument has not completely convinced you, I would be more than happy to accompany you to South America where we can ask Tupac in person.

 Sincerely,

Brian “Pac” Sostak